


The Case of Vanitas

by YAJJ



Series: The Lost Trio [2]
Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Gen, Not Beta Read, Past Child Abuse, Sad Vanitas (Kingdom Hearts), Self-Hatred, Sora Lives (Kingdom Hearts), Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Vanitas Is Bad at Feelings (Kingdom Hearts), Vanitas Redemption (Kingdom Hearts), Vanitas-centric (Kingdom Hearts), kind of, post kh3, suicide ideation, tags will be added while i go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:21:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27600637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YAJJ/pseuds/YAJJ
Summary: Being reborn was hard. Vanitas dared to think that being reborn when absolutely no one wanted you around was even harder. And then, someone did. Someone wanted him.
Relationships: Naminé & Riku Replica & Vanitas (Kingdom Hearts), Naminé & Vanitas (Kingdom Hearts), Riku Replica & Vanitas (Kingdom Hearts)
Series: The Lost Trio [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1621804
Comments: 20
Kudos: 52





	1. Darkness Reborn

**Author's Note:**

> Quick mods are asleep post sad Vanitas

Vanitas wasn’t supposed to wake up. That was his endgame. He was supposed to die (fucking  _ again _ ) and go back into Ven’s (his own) heart and sleep for the rest of eternity. Vanitas was tired of it all, and wanted to rest. 

Regardless of what Vanitas wanted, he woke up.

He opened his eyes (red, he just knew it. Xehanort was no longer with him, so it was the best explanation. Red like his Unversed, like a monster, like  _ he _ was a monster but really, he’d known that all along), and goddamn woke up. 

When he woke up, he was alone. No one sitting at his bedside, waiting for him. No one who really wanted him there, anyway. No one to smile at and shoot the shit. No friends or companions. 

What did he expect?

“Vanitas, can you hear me?” 

There was a man beside him, with bluish gray hair over one eye and wearing a lab coat. He was looking at Vanitas very critically, like he was more a science experiment than he was a person. He had a clipboard in one hand and a pen in the other. 

“Vanitas?” The man asked again. Vanitas thought he would get a clue when he didn’t answer, but apparently not. “Can you hear me?”

He was too tired. Too confused and tired. He didn’t want to be here.

He nodded, very softly. Didn’t want to talk. 

“Good. That’s good, Vanitas! Tell me, how do you feel?”

Hurt. Everywhere. Everything fucking hurt, but that wasn’t any different from before. It was just the way he was—his nerve endings were constantly on fire for no reason, and his head was always foggy with pain. This was bullshit. 

“Vanitas,” the man said. “Are you hurting anywhere? Do you feel sore? Talk to me, Vanitas.”

“I’m fine,” he snapped, his voice cracking and breaking. Didn’t this man  _ get it _ ? He didn’t want to  _ talk _ ! 

He didn’t even want to be  _ alive _ . 

There was a gasp somewhere to his right. His head whipped around, and Vanitas discovered that what he had initially thought wasn’t entirely true. 

He wasn’t alone. 

But he still certainly had no friends. 

Aqua, Terra, and Ventus were standing there, watching him. They were shoved into a corner, and despite being in a big room, very far away from him, they looked cornered, like they wanted to retreat. Aqua and Terra both had Ventus wrapped in their arms, holding him close and looking very, very defensive. 

They were glaring, all three of them. The hate in their eyes was very, very real. So Vanitas let as much hatred as possible fill his eyes, and he glared right back. 

“Vanitas,” said the strange nerdy looking man, moving around to get into Vanitas’ vision. “Vanitas, I need you to respond to me. I need to make sure your replica is working as it should and will continue to function. When I ask you a question, I need a response, or I’m going to assume that something’s wrong and I’ll have to put you back to sleep to work on you.”

Vanitas hoped he would. Put him back to sleep. Maybe if he was lucky, he’d never wake up again. If he was really lucky, he’d find his way back into Ventus’ heart. 

He didn’t ever get that lucky. 

“I wouldn’t bother if I was you, Ienzo,” Aqua said. She glared at Vanitas before lifting her eyes to the man. “He won’t cooperate. He doesn’t know how to.”

“I have to, Aqua,” Ienzo said, poking and pulling at the cloth around Vanitas’ arm. His old bodysuit was back in place, huh? He wondered about the helmet, and what state it was in. Last it had been worn, it had been cracked and broken all on the right side. “It could break and fail, and Vanitas would as good as die.”

Terra snorted but didn’t say anything. Vanitas had to fight back the “ _ good _ ” that was forming in his throat because really, wouldn’t that be better for everyone? Not even Vanitas wanted to be there. 

“Now, Vanitas,” Ienzo said. “Curl your fingers and toes.”

He did. It was difficult in his boots, and certainly Ienzo wouldn’t see it, but it didn’t hurt anymore than everything always had, so he told him it didn’t hurt.

His head was starting to fog up more, though. He was trying very hard to ignore the trio chattering obnoxiously in the corner. He couldn’t hear them, but the mood of the room told him that they were talking about him. 

“Does this hurt?” Ienzo asked, poking Vanitas’ shoulder. 

Vanitas flinched hard and smacked his hand away, glaring hard. “ _ Don’t touch me _ .”

“Am I not touching because it hurts? Or—”

“It’s none of your  _ fucking _ business. Don’t touch me.” 

“I told you,” Aqua said off to the side. “He’s lively as ever. He’s probably fine.”

“Vanitas,” Ienzo said, ignoring her. “Am I not touching because it’s hurting, or because of something else?”

It was hurting, the spot he’d poked, but then so was the rest of him, every square inch hurt even on the inside. It was no worse than it had been before. “No. Fuck off.”

Ienzo sighed and set aside his clipboard. “Okay. Lay back, Vanitas. I’m fitting a mask over your face. You’ll have to go back to sleep.”

“Don’t wake me back the fuck up, then.”

Ienzo paused, looking him over. He sighed heavily again, tapping his fingers on the table. “Are you being dramatic, or are you hurting?”

“It’s his job to make your life hell,” Ventus informed Ienzo, unable to look at him.

“Is that so. I can think of a few others like that, though none so tenacious. Tell me now, Vanitas, or you’re going back under. Are you hurting, or am I not touching you for another reason?”

“Fucking— _ yeah, it’s fucking hurting _ !” Vanitas snapped, sick of this man and this place and this air and this  _ life _ he just wanted it all to  _ stop _ . “But it’s not like it’s any fucking different than before! Hurts as much getting fucking cut in half now as it did back then! For  _ fuck’s _ sake!”

“Ahh—“ Ienzo said. Another man came up behind him, this one with long blond hair and a look in his eye that said “mad scientist”. Vanitas vaguely remembered him, but he’d never cared enough to catch a name. 

“Perhaps,” said the new man, “any previous injuries from his life prior were brought back over into this one. If a replica takes the physical appearance of its heart, it’s not so hard to imagine that these base, physical injuries were carried with it. I’d say it’s up to him, but were it up to me, if it was normal then, it can be normal now.”

Ienzo considered this, then turned to Vanitas. “I see your point. Vanitas, do you wish me to put you under to work on fixing you?”

_ Fixing  _ him? Nothing this man could do would fix him. He didn’t have the technology, and even if he did, his other half had just released him. He wouldn't let him back in now. 

Instead, Vanitas lowered his head and screwed up his eyes. Looked away from everyone. This was all too much. 

He wished for darkness again.

“ _ Leave me alone _ .”

Ienzo sighed after a moment and nodded, stepped away. “Take it easy, but if you’re up to walking, you can. Aqua will show you to your room.”

Vanitas didn’t want that. He didn’t want her, or any of them. He wanted to close his eyes and never open them again. 

He wanted to die.

“I expect to see you here tomorrow.”

But right now, he couldn't. There were too many people, and it was too much. At least if he went to his room, he’d be alone. Alone with his thoughts and pain, but it was better than this.

“Good night, Vanitas.”

* * *

He hated Aqua and Terra. He hated Sora and Riku. He hated Kairi, and Roxas, and Xion. He hated them all. 

But more than anyone, more than  _ anyone _ he knew. He hated Ventus. 

So  _ fucking  _ much. 

Ventus had everything.  _ Everything _ . And he had the  _ nerve _ to complain about it all. He had the face, and the friends. He had the light, and the love. The heart.

He had the everything.

All Vanitas wanted was the heart, and he was content to just sit in there and sleep until Ventus died and they both drifted to wherever they went. Heaven and Hell, he assumed. If they were real. No question which direction he was headed. 

His hatred pooled in his belly and very quickly thrust itself up his throat. This was big and fat and scary, and he felt so much tar, too much, climbing up his throat and spilling out of his mouth and nose. 

In the silent safety of his room, a Bruiser was born. It smacked its fists together and somehow, Vanitas wished he’d gotten in the way. His throat burned with the feeling of pure darkness risen up.

“ _ Why I am here, Master? _ ” asked the creature in his head. They spoke to him alone—even small animalistic noises weren't aloud but kept to him. 

“ _ No reason _ .” He wanted to send it out to terrorize all the Lights living here, but he didn’t. He didn’t want to be disturbed, and as soon as they saw the emblem on its front, they’d hunt him down.

And he was pretty sure he was locked inside, so he had no escape.

“ _...Do you want for me to staying with you?” _

He wanted to be alone. But he supposed he still was; this creature was an extension of himself. And maybe just having another presence in his room wasn’t the worst. 

“ _...Yes.” _

“ _ Okay _ .” The creature carefully picked its way away from Vanitas and settled on the opposite side of the room. It was probably smarter than most of the Lights. It seemed perfectly content to sit there and just be. “ _ You look ill. Should I be getting for you something, Master?” _

“ _ No _ ,” Vanitas quickly responded. He didn’t want the pain of its death. And if it was found outside of this room, it would be executed. “ _ It’s nothing. Don’t leave this room _ .”

“ _ Yes, Master.” _

They drifted into silence even in Vanitas’ head, so only the dull buzzing sound that accompanied the fog in his head was left, along with the constant ache. Soon, night fell through the small window too tall for him to climb out of, and Vanitas didn’t want to be awake anymore. He had been given a bed, which he had never used before, so he climbed up onto that and laid out. The pillow was fluffy but a little too soft. Same with the mattress. Was he supposed to feel like he was falling the entire time? How was he supposed to sleep like that?

“ _ Good night, Master _ .”

* * *

When Vanitas awoke, it was to a shout, and sudden and intense pain he wasn’t expecting. He opened his eyes to see Terra in front of him with his keyblade out. Darkness was melting into the ground and flowing back toward him, each second hurting worse than the last. 

His Bruiser was no longer out, and it wasn’t a question what happened to it. 

“You made an Unversed,” said Aqua, off to the side a little. She was glaring right at him. Her keyblade was also out, pointing at him without hesitation. 

He wanted to call Void Gear and put up a fight, but the pain of the Unversed’s death was still overpowering his system. 

“Do not make them,” Aqua snarled when she got no response from him. “Am I clear? Do  _ not _ make them.”

He didn’t have a choice. Like everything else in his life, that wasn’t an  _ option _ , but either they didn’t care about that, or they didn’t understand. 

“Vanitas, do you understand.” 

“Whatever.”

“Listen,” Aqua snapped. “We gave you your life back and we can just as easily take it away again. Do  _ not _ make your Unversed. If I see another one, it’ll be you on this blade.”

Vanitas almost wanted to materialize one right then, in the hopes that she’d follow through. But if she found out that’s what he wanted, she’d keep him alive just to spite him. 

“Don’t blame me for your mistakes,” Vanitas snapped back. It wasn’t his fault he was reborn. He’d never have chosen that. 

Terra cocked his head to the door, giving Aqua a heavy look. He turned to it and went outside. 

“We came in to ask if you wanted breakfast,” Aqua finally said. Her glare did not lessen. “But if you have the energy to make those still, you don’t need anything.” She did not offer him a goodbye, nor the chance to say that it had actually been created last night. She just turned to the door and walked out, slamming it shut. There was a click on the other side as he was locked back in. 

Once again, he was alone.

If he was lucky, it would stay that way. Maybe he’d starve to death.

* * *

The next time he was disturbed was later that day, some time approaching the red dip of the sun. His door opened, and in stepped a man Vanitas didn’t know.

“Hello, Vanitas,” said the man, his voice low. He had wheaty yellow hair approaching white and a square chin. 

Vanitas wasn’t given the same luxury to relish in the man’s confusion of his identity, apparently. 

“Come with me,” the man went on, arms crossed behind him. Master Xehanort used to stand the same way, but hunched low and with only one arm. “We have much to discuss.”

Vanitas didn’t want to discuss much of anything, because that implied either some sort of interrogation or, the most likely choice, some plan for a future. He wanted neither a plan, nor a future. 

Still, the man beckoned him and he obeyed. His presence weighed heavily on the fogginess in Vanitas’ head, just like Master Xehanort. And he had learned long ago what happened when you disobeyed people like Master Xehanort. 

The man led him out of the room and down the hall, past other rooms. He felt eyes on him from everywhere, but no matter where he looked, he could not see them. Paranoia was certainly a bitch. 

They walked past an office and then through a big double door. There was a lobby, with a woman sitting at the desk before another set of doors. Off to the side, Aqua and Terra were sitting in chairs, chatting quietly. They looked up and stood, looking uneasy. At least they weren’t glaring anymore. 

“Ansem the Wise,” Aqua said, lowering her head just barely as she approached. 

“Master Aqua,” said the man, Ansem. “What can I do for you?”

“We hoped to speak with you,” Aqua said, side eyeing Vanitas before turning her full attention back to Ansem the Wise. “Before you caught up with him.”

Ansem paused and glanced back to Vanitas, then pursed his mouth and shrugged. “Certainly. Step into my office. Vanitas, take a seat please. I’ll be with you shortly. I’ve got something for you—I noticed that you weren’t at supper with us last night.”

“Great,” Vanitas said. He did as ordered and dropped into the chair nearest the door they had come through. Ansem the Wise let Aqua and Terra into his office, then returned seconds later with some sort of bento box, setting it in the chair beside him when Vanitas didn’t lift his hand to take it. 

“Eat up,” said the man, patting Vanitas’ knee softly. Vanitas jerked and moved out of his reach, glaring at the floor. “You’ll shrivel up, and the science that went into your rebirth is far too valuable to be wasted.”

Vanitas didn’t respond to that, but he knew it didn’t make him feel great. He grimaced, lifting his head up to watch the man as he went into his office. He left the door partially cracked, just enough that if he turned his head he could see the corner of his desk, and his hand. He turned away. He knew they were going to talk about him; that was pretty much obvious. He didn’t need to know any more. 

They spoke loudly enough that Vanitas could hear them, even over the buzzing in his head. Which was. very nice. As expected, they were talking about his future. Or, lack thereof. 

“He should be monitored,” Terra was saying. “He’s done vile stuff in the past. He’ll do them again.”

Like it was a certainty. 

More mumbling. Vanitas couldn’t make out exactly what they were saying, but the tone was plenty. 

“We can’t ask you to do that,” Aqua said, sounding tired. “There’s plenty of extra rooms at our home. He’ll stay with us.”

“Less people he can hurt,” Terra said matter of factly.

The door to the rest of the world opened and shut. Vanitas lowered his head and watched the ground, feeling ill. It felt like last night, but not nearly as sudden. He wouldn’t throw up an Unversed, but one was on its way and destined to be slaughtered. He hoped he got back to his room before then. 

“Hi, um, is Ansem the Wise in?” asked a young voice, a girl. He didn’t recognize the voice. 

“He is, but he’s in a meeting right now. I can’t imagine he’ll be long, take a seat.”

“Thanks. Oh—hello.”

Vanitas got the distinct and unfortunate feeling she was talking to him. So he pointedly ignored her.

“I said— _ helloooo _ .”

He turned his head away again, hoping she got the memo. 

“You look like Sora, which means you must be one of us. Vanitas, right? You didn’t come to supper last night or breakfast this morning. You should probably eat—this looks good.” 

Vanitas groaned to himself and turned his head to glare at her. Why was she talking to him?

Looking back at him smiled a girl right about Sora’s age, with wheaty blond hair and brilliant blue eyes. She was in a long white tank top with blue shorts peeking out the bottom. She looked… sweet? 

“Hi, I’m Naminé,” she said softly.

“What do you want.”

Naminé turned and pointed to the office, where they were talking too lowly for him to hear now. Must be really bad, then. “I have business with Ansem the Wise, whenever he’s finished. Are you up next?”

He waved a finger toward the office. “Fuck if I know. They’re talking about me.”

Naminé turned her head toward the door to look and listen. 

“I don’t feel comfortable asking you to take him, sir,” Aqua was saying. “He’s our problem to deal with. He’ll be monitored in the Land of Departure with us.”

Monitored, and locked up he supposed. 

What was the point in taking him out of Ventus’ heart, if he was going to be trapped regardless? At least in his heart, he was safe, warm, and out of sight. 

Naminé made a noise at the back of her throat, and Vanitas suddenly remembered she was there. “Don’t you hate that?” she asked, looking back at him. “When they talk about you like you’re not even there?”

They knew full well he wasn't there; they were in a completely different room. But leaving the door open like that felt deliberate.

“DiZ used to do that to me all the time,” Naminé went on, face a little sour. “Him and Riku talking about what my purpose was as they talk over my head. Riku was nice about it at least, but to DiZ I was just a tool. It was the worst.”

DiZ? That was definitely a name Vanitas didn’t know. What was a DiZ?

“He will be coming with us,” Terra suddenly said very firmly, and like that, it was over.

Naminé looked over Vanitas, leaning over her knees to look him in the face. “...Are you going with them?”

Vanitas sighed silently, wishing an Unversed was there to calm his nerves. He didn’t want to throw it up, though, and the one already born had been killed hours ago. Any produced now would be killed on the spot. “You heard them.”

“Yeah but, I mean… Do you even want to? They don’t sound thrilled. You don’t either.”

“Don’t really have anywhere else to go.” Maybe, if he spent enough time around Ventus, he’d be sucked back into his heart. Or maybe he’d annoy them all enough that they’d kill him. He’d take either, honestly.

“Oh… okay. Hi, Aqua!”

Apparently, the three had finished their conversation. Aqua and Terra were scowling a little, although their faces lightened at Naminé’s voice. “Hi, Naminé. Hope he's not disturbing you.”

It figured that he’d be the one doing the disturbing, when she wouldn’t shut up.

“He’s not! We were just chatting. Ansem, I had something I needed to discuss with you. Do you have time?”

Ansem the Wise’s eyes widened, apparently startled by the request, but he seemed more than delighted to let her in. “Of course. Step into my office, I’ll just be a moment.”

Naminé smiled politely, waved goodbye to Vanitas, and darted into his office. Leaving Vanitas alone to contend with three people who had control of a future he didn’t want.

“Well, Vanitas,” said Ansem, nodding at him. “I had hoped to discuss your future with you, but it seems that Master Aqua and Terra here already shared that discussion. You’ll be returning to the Land of Departure with them.”

Surprise, surprise. His future was decided without his input. What else was new?

“What will I be doing there?” The castle was a training ground for prospective keyblades wielders; it had been for centuries. He doubted they would let him train. He didn’t really care to, anyway. It would make him think of his Master, and his Master was well and truly gone. He didn’t want to think of him again.

“That will be up to the Master of the castle to decide. Now, if you'll excuse me. Good day, Master Aqua, Terra.” Ansem nodded at Vanitas, then turned back to his office, shutting the door on them. 

Aqua and Terra both eyed him, before Aqua squared her shoulders. “We’ll be leaving in a week. We still have things to take care of. In the meantime, you’ll be in your room, or in someone’s company. Am I clear?”

So even here, he’d be a prisoner. What did he expect? A chance? 

“I said, am I clear?”

“Yes Master,” Vanitas said, the word dripping from his tongue by accident. Master Xehanort was the only one who had ever spoken to him like that. 

At least it gave Aqua pause, looking down at him in a way that wasn’t pleasant, for either of them. Like she was aware of the accidental comparison. 

She sighed and nodded at Terra, who moved along. “Come along, we’ll escort you back to your room. Bring the bento box; you haven’t eaten yet, and Ansem the Wise was kind to give it to you.”

Vanitas stood and considered the little gray box on the seat beside him. He should eat. Hadn’t since he was reborn. 

He looked away from it. “Not hungry,” he said, then fell into step between Aqua and Terra.

* * *

Someone unlocked and opened the door, and Vanitas was quick to banish the Unversed that had appeared. It hurt to pull them back in, but not nearly as much as it hurt when they were killed. He backed into the corner, atop his bed, and glared. 

“Vanitas?” The same girl from before came in, Naminé. She poked her head into the room, and offered a big smile. “Hi.”

“What.” His heartbeat slowed a fraction. Regretted putting away the Unversed, but he didn’t know what she would do. He didn’t know her. There was no reason she  _ wouldn’t _ try to kill it. 

“You, um…” Naminé stepped further in, her hands behind her back. “I finished up with Ansem the Wise, and you were gone. But you left this behind and you, um, weren’t at supper again.”

Vanitas hadn’t realized that was an option. He’d been locked in, hadn’t he? Locked in and forgotten. 

“And Ansem didn’t want it back. So I thought I’d bring it to you.” Sure enough, Naminé brought her hands around and showed the same bento box that had been left. She scootched in and set it on the foot of the bed, hovering nervously. Then, “...you must not like people very much.”

He scoffed. 

“You didn’t really talk to me, even upstairs. Or Ienzo. That’s what he said.”

“Guess not.”

Naminé frowned, turned her head to the side. She watched him for a moment. She didn’t move, though, so he couldn’t lean forward and grab the box. 

He wasn’t really sure he wanted to, anyway. He wasn’t just being stubborn, upstairs. Food didn’t feel like it would sit well in his stomach. 

“I get it, though,” Naminé went on. Vanitas flinched a little. “People are tough. I like people well enough, but even I have to get away and hide in my room sometimes. Sora’s really sweet, but especially when him and Kairi get going, they’re a little exhausting.”

That was an understatement. The Princess of Light and the Hero of Light were migraine-inducing. 

...Although that could have been his dark heart doing the talking. 

“It’s okay if you want to stay up here. I won’t blame you for that.”

“What do you  _ want _ ,” Vanitas snapped. He didn’t care what she thought, frankly. If she blamed him for anything. He didn’t know her. He didn’t really want to.

He’d spent the entirety of his life alone, and if it stayed that way until he died, then so be it.

Naminé paused, a long breath drawing out of her lungs. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You looked sad, upstairs. And I thought you could use some food, too.” 

“I’m not hungry. If I was, I would have ate the damn thing.”

“Ahh—right. Okay. I’m sorry.” Naminé finally backed away, looking Vanitas up and down. “Will you come to breakfast in the morning?”

That would depend. Would he be released? “If I’m hungry.”

“Okay. Well, um, I hope I get to see you again, Vanitas.”

Vanitas paused, glaring at her. “Why would you want that.”

Naminé shrugged, her back hitting the door even though she didn’t look terribly nervous. She tapped her toes on the ground. “You seem like fun, and like you could use friends. I don’t know. Can I see you tomorrow?”

He was locked in, so really it wasn’t up to him. “I don’t give a shit.” 

“...Okay. If you don’t mind, maybe I’ll come back here? Aqua said you can’t go anywhere without someone, so I can show you around for a little bit if you want. But not for long, don’t worry.”

Vanitas groaned and closed his eyes. He definitely wanted an Unversed right nearby to let off his annoyance. There was a ball growing in his throat, thick like tar. At least one was coming, but it just made the emotion more panicky because it couldn’t go anywhere. “Do what you want.”

She brightened, a little noise echoing from her throat. “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow then, Vanitas. Do you want your door locked?”

“Didn’t Aqua say it  _ had _ to be?”

“Oh… I guess maybe. Okay. Eat up!” She ducked out of the door with a wave, closing it behind her. There was a click after a few moments, and then her feet echoed down the hallway.

Vanitas rolled his eyes and re-released the Unversed he had sucked in, as well as the new one clawing at his heart. An Archraven perched on his shoulder and pecked at his hair, while a Vile Phial plopped into his lap. He shoved both to the side, but was relieved for their presence regardless. 

They made it easier to feel, without getting too overwhelmed. 

Hopefully, these would be small enough that if they were still alive when Aqua or Terra, or this Naminé girl, came for him, they could just hide under his bed. 

“ _ Master? _ ” one asked, although which it was Vanitas didn’t know. He couldn’t tell the difference, and he didn’t care to see which was watching him. “ _ You are being okay? _ ”

“ _ I’m fine _ ,” he lied, although he didn’t see the point in it. 

“ _ You seem ill. _ ”

Two days in a row? Honestly? Vanitas wanted to see what these little assholes looked like after being killed and then rebirthed into a new life they didn’t want. 

“ _ Is requiring of sustenance for Master? _ ” The Vile Phial nosed the bento box closer and stopped about halfway up the bed, staring. Like it knew. 

It knew nothing.

Vanitas lashed his foot out and struck the bento box and Unversed, sending them both across the room with the force. At least the Unversed levitated normally and so caught itself, but the bento box splattered on the wall and left a mess.

“ _ I’m not hungry. _ ”

“ _ Master is angry. _ ” The Archraven hopped back a bit and watched him. 

“ _ Master is angry, _ ” the other Unversed agreed.

“ _ Are we to staying with you, Master _ ?”

He hated that question. A  _ lot _ . It made him feel weak, like he needed the company, their presence, like he couldn’t handle or take care of himself. 

“ _...Yes. _ ”

The Archraven pecked at some clothing on his shoulder, then spread its wings to quickly take up a new position on his headboard. The Vile Phial smacked onto the foot of the bed and watched him. “ _ Okay, Master. _ ”

“ _ If anyone comes to the door, hide under the bed. They’ll kill you if they see you. _ ”

“ _ Yes Master.” _

_ “Goodnight, Master.” _

* * *

Morning came slowly, but to a frantic knocking at his door. He couldn't tell the time, but the sun was shining through the window already. 

His Unversed were gone, but he could feel them nearby. They had obeyed, and were likely hiding under the bed. 

The knocking paused, then someone called his name and it came back with a vengeance. Why weren’t they just coming in, like Aqua and Terra did before?

“ _ Wait there.” _

“ _ Yes Master we are. _ ”

He stood and approached the door, headache intensifying. “What.”

“Vanitas?”

The knocking finally stopped. The voice sounded like that girl from before, Naminé. What the hell did  _ she  _ want? 

“What do you want.”

“Good morning Vanitas! I came by to bring you to breakfast. And, um, show you around if you still wanted to.”

He was almost one hundred percent certain that he had never said he wanted to. Whatever. It’d be better than being trapped here, he supposed. 

Vanitas didn’t voice his opinions though, so after a moment, Naminé continued. “And I, um… I didn’t want to barge in like last night because it seemed rude. So if, um, if you want I’ll wait out here for you to get ready, okay?” 

...Well. At least that was nice of her. 

And at least she didn’t spend her entire time looking down on him. 

He didn’t really know what ‘getting ready’ was supposed to mean. He had no change of clothes, and nothing to clean himself with. 

“...Okay.”

“I’ll leave the door unlocked for you!!!”

Sure enough, there was a click on the other side of the door, but it did not open. She was actually respecting his privacy? Didn’t really seem like the smartest thing to do. 

Lucky for her, he was too tired, in head, heart, and soul, to do anything at all. 

“ _ Come out, now.” _

The Unversed obeyed, hovering and crawling their way out from beneath the bed. Both watched the door.

“ _ Back to your heart, Master?” _

_ “Yes. Now. _ ” 

The two understood, at ease. Vanitas braced himself for sharp pain and pulled them back. The pain increased for a moment, but not by much; warning them and letting them accept it seemed to make it easier on his heart. That was something to consider. 

Naminé waved, a huge smile on her face, when he opened the door and slipped out. “Good morning, Vanitas. Did you sleep well?”

He still felt like he was floating on air, and it left him without ground. No, he did not sleep well. He did not answer.

She gave him a moment, then went on, unbothered by his silence. “Everyone’s in the hall for breakfast, so you’ll get to meet everyone. But don’t worry! Stick by me and I’ll make sure they don’t get too close. Then we’ll explore, okay? There’s just  _ uhhhhhhh…  _ one place we hafta stop.” 

He made a little noise at the back of his throat and didn’t respond again. She had a better idea of the layout of this castle so she led the way. He crossed his arms over his chest and followed, wishing very badly for pockets, or something to do with his hands. 

At least she wasn’t saying anything. She hummed to herself occasionally, but even that was quiet. It made listening in to the approaching noise all the easier.

They turned down a hall, and she pushed through a set of double doors. “Good morning everybody!”

“Good morn—ahh.”

Silence descended over the room as Vanitas entered and all chattering ceased. He didn’t care one way or the other, and deliberately looked away. 

“He’s being good,” Naminé pouted. “He’s hungry.”

Vanitas had definitely not ever said that.

“I asked that he be escorted,” Aqua, at the far end of the table, chided quietly, like she didn’t want him to hear, as if he possibly  _ couldn’t _ . 

“I escorted him here, don’t worry.”

“That’s not what I— _ Naminé _ . We went over this last night.” 

“What?” Naminé frowned, crossing her arms over her chest and going for a very put-out look. “He’s not going to do anything. Look at him! He’s all quiet, like a mouse.”

“The quiet ones are often the most dangerous,” said Riku, eyeing him like he was worried he’d attack at any second. “It’s why we’re never worried about Sora.”

Vanitas groaned and rubbed his temples as the sudden spike of laughter nudged at his persistent headache.

God, he didn’t want to be here. He wasn’t even  _ hungry _ . He  _ should _ just turn around and leave. Back to his room— _ his prison _ —or out the castle doors, what did it matter?

But as soon as he did that, one of the Lights was sure to attack. Aqua had made it very clear that he was to be accompanied at all times. If he separated himself, he was sure to find himself with a keyblade through the heart in no time. 

But really… would that be the  _ worst _ …?

_ No, not now. Not right now. _

Naminé pulled out a chair and dropped into it, reaching over the black-haired girl next to her to pull some squishy orange stuff closer. She tossed Vanitas a toothy smile, then happily pulled out the chair beside her and patted the seat. It wasn’t hard to figure out what she wanted.

The hair on the back of his neck stood up on end. He was being watched by pretty much everyone  _ but _ Naminé. He didn’t really have a choice what he did, or he’d get no less than a dozen keyblades coming his way. 

He dropped into the chair cautiously. Naminé set the squishy stuff in front of him, tossing another smile, then turned to chat with the girl. 

After a few seconds, quiet conversation returned, although watching eyes did not exactly disappear. The whispered words continued aggravating his headache. It soon became clear that the Lights were just awkwardly filling the silence—Vanitas’ presence was making conversation uncomfortable and half-assed at best. 

_ Good _ . 

Naminé, at least, seemed able to read the mood of the room. She turned to him and pushed the orange stuff back to him, then said, “We’ll go in like two minutes, okay? Eat up!”

Vanitas shoved the stuff out of the way, scowling at it. She really didn’t get the memo, did she? He looked very deliberately away from the Lights and sunk into the fogginess in his head, hoping to drown out the noise. 

Another minute or two passed, and Vanitas flinched away from an invasion of his space. Naminé was smiling at him again, this time stood out of her chair and her finger poking his shoulder. “Come on!” she chirped. “Let’s go explore!! There’s some cool things around the castle for you to see.”

“Naminé,” Aqua said firmly from where she sat. “Please.”

“It’s alright, Aqua! I’ll just take him right back to his room when we’re all done, okay? You can even come and make sure—maybe around three we’ll be done. What do you think, Vanitas?”

Vanitas did not answer; did not even care to. Naminé grabbed his hand and ignored his flinch, waved goodbye to the Lights, and pulled him out of the door. 


	2. Ill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanitas finally gets a friend :')

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh I forgot to say in the first chapter but just as a warning, this fic will not paint the Wayfinders in a great light. Granted, they are dealing with something now, and so is he. And they'll... improve, especially as the series continues, but right now they are afraid of him, and he's struggling with... things.

They ended up back in the lab where Vanitas took his first breath, and Vanitas shot Naminé glares the entire time. 

“Quit your attitude,” said the blond man whose name Vanitas had never cared to learn. “We asked you here yesterday in case of any complications with your replica. You’re lucky it wasn’t treated too strenuously, or we’d have had to put you back to sleep to fix you.”

“Put me back to sleep, anyway. Don’t wake me up,” Vanitas snapped, crossing his arms over his chest and scowling hard. He shot Naminé another glare. She looked away deliberately from where she was chatting with Ienzo. 

“Oh, knock it off with the dramatics, child. The science that went into rebirthing you was far too costly to waste like that. Do you feel any pain?”

“Constantly.”

The man rolled his eyes. “Irritability?”

“Obviously.”

“ _ Child _ . Anything different from usual?”

Vanitas huffed and puffed, glaring hard. “...No.”

“Thank you, you ridiculous boy. Are you sleeping well? Falling asleep quickly and staying asleep?”

“The mattress is the worst and there are always lights on.”

The man huffed, glaring in return. “Yes, well. Luckily for me, your comfort is not my issue. Any soreness in your joints from movement? Outside of the ordinary.”

“...No.” Vanitas scowled. His comfort wasn’t his issue. Then why ask?

“How’s your appetite? Are you eating and drinking properly?”

“...” Vanitas opened his mouth to respond, but didn’t know what to say. That… was the one thing he worried about. He was in his third day since rebirth, and he still wasn’t hungry. 

“Vanitas, I expect an answer.”

“He hasn’t been eating,” Naminé piped up, approaching nervously. “At least, I don’t think so. Did you eat last night?”

“...No,” Vanitas said again, looking away from her. 

“He didn’t eat at breakfast this morning, and he didn’t eat before that.”

“Not hungry,” Vanitas half-explained with a scowl, arms crossed over his chest. 

“Hmm,” the man said. “Appetite still not activating. Granted, it took XIV—Xion a day or two for her body to need anything, but…”

“She said she was eating in the meantime, though,” Ienzo interjected. 

“How odd. Alright, boy. Turn around and lay back, we’ll need to examine you.”

“What? No, get fucked.”

“Vanitas…” Naminé said lowly, pitching her brows up. When Vanitas glanced back toward her, she was practically pouting. 

Vanitas rolled his eyes and ignored her. He owed her nothing. “Fuck you.”

“Just do as we ask, Vanitas, so we can get this over with.”

“Your comfort or discomfort is of no concern of mine,” said the older man. “Your body—my tests are. So whether you do as commanded, or get knocked out and do it regardless, is not a concern; you will be subjected to them. It’s a matter of whose choice it is. Mine, or yours.”

It was a ploy at manipulation, Vanitas recognized that. Whether he liked it or not, the claim was that he was sitting through the tests. 

He could just as easily vault over these two, skid past Naminé, and escape. He was faster, more agile, and stronger. 

...And as soon as he did, an alert would go out, and the Lights would find him and kill him.

_ But really…? _

He shook his head. He was too tired to put up with all this. Maybe when they did the test, they’d put him to sleep like they had claimed. Maybe he wouldn’t wake up. Maybe he’d be lucky. 

Not likely. At least it would be one thing he had something of a choice in. 

“Fine. Do your stupid tests.”

* * *

“Weird, huh?” Naminé said, staring at her phone. Ienzo had just texted her results of Vanitas’ tests while they wandered around, nearly four hours after the fact. They were well on their way back to Vanitas’ room, so when Aqua or Terra came to make sure he was there, they wouldn’t go into attack mode.

“What.”

“They didn’t find anything wrong with your replica. You’re just… not hungry. Sneaking snacks?” Naminé guessed. 

“No.” He was locked in or with someone one hundred percent of the time. What did she expect of him? He didn’t have access to his portals or teleportation, and Aqua must have put a barrier on his room because the Unversed didn’t either. 

“Weird,” Naminé hummed. “Xion and Roxas said they took about a day to get really hungry, though, and it took me a day, too. Maybe you’re just not exerting enough energy to really need food yet. I bet after all this walking, you’ll be  _ really _ hungry tomorrow. I’ll pick you up for breakfast, okay?”

God, he hated this. He hated relying on her. He hated—

No. That wasn’t true yet. She was naïve and kind of dumb, trusting him as much as she was, but he didn’t hate her. She was annoying, but the Lights always were. 

“Do what you want.”

She flashed him a big grin. “Otherwise, if you text me and you’re hungry in the night, I’ll sneak to the kitchens and get you something, okay? Do you have my number? I don’t think I ever got yours.”

“Probably not. Don’t have a phone.”

“Don’t have a—really? Oh. They gave me mine on my first day, so we’d always be caught up.” Naminé frowned, brows punching toward the ceiling, and Vanitas silently decided he didn’t like the look of a frown on her face. 

...Wait. Where did that thought come from?

“I bet Ienzo is just still working on yours! Let me know as soon as you get it, then, so I can get your number. If you want then I can sneak something down to you? You really do need to eat.”

Vanitas shrugged as they turned the corner toward his room. “Don’t bother.”

“Ahh—okay. Well, bright and early in the morning, then. Okay?” She stopped outside of his room and grabbed his arm. Shivers went up and down his spine, but he didn’t fight her off. “It was nice getting to know you today.”

She had done most of the talking—she was not  _ at all _ getting to know him. 

“I’ll see you at supper, okay? You can sit next to me!!” She leaned over and opened his door for him, offering her brightest grin. 

“Whatever.”

Somehow, she laughed. “You know, you’re just like my friend. I think you’d like him, whenever Even can get a new replica for him. I’ll see you later, okay? Rest up.” She turned back to the door and waved, closing it behind her. She must have hesitated, because the lock didn’t come for another couple of seconds. 

Once she was gone, Vanitas pressed his back to the wall and slid down it, relaxing. Now that he was alone, Unversed appeared. Floods, Scrappers, an Axe Flapper or two. Their voices filled his foggy head, asking needless and annoying questions that he couldn’t even plug his ears to ignore. 

One of the Floods, at least, stayed silent. It merely climbed up onto his knees, and then around to his shoulder to lay across his neck and nudge his cheek with its snoot. He leaned his head forward onto his knees to give it plenty of room, and closed his eyes in the hopes of shutting out the voices of the Unversed. Though they yelled in his head, being unable to see them helped shut them out just a little. He focused on the one vibrating on his neck and pretended it was the beat of Ventus’ heart.

* * *

Vanitas was startled aware a bit later by a loud knock on his door. He lifted his head blearily and looked around. The Unversed’s voices had since become white noise; he was aware that they were speaking, but they had become like the fog and buzz in his head. The one on his shoulder shifted and stirred, shoving his cheek in. 

He stirred and tilted his head away from the Unversed. He’d gotten better sleep like this than on the damn bed—but then, he usually slept like this. He was used to it. 

The knock came again, louder. “ _ Vanitas _ !”

That sounded like Aqua. Right, she was probably checking on him, like Naminé had told her to. He lifted his head and decided to reply in the hopes she’d leave him alone. “What.”

There was a long second of silence on both ends. Then, the lock clicked on their side. Vanitas looked up to his Unversed. “ _ Back to me, now. _ ”

“ _ Yes Master _ .” The creatures melted into pools of darkness and returned to him, melting into him. The sting made him tense and smack his head back against the wall, but then it was over and all that remained was the little one around his neck. It hopped over his head and stopped next to him on the ground, opposite the door like it was hiding. 

Not a moment later, the door opened, and Aqua stepped in. She looked around, looking relieved. “Why didn’t you answer sooner?”

“I was sleeping. I’ll be sure to avoid it next time, Master,” Vanitas spat. 

“That’s not— _ hhh _ . I just wanted to—hmm.”

“Make sure I didn’t kill the girl and make my grand escape?” Vanitas guessed sourly. Aqua deliberately looked away, and Vanitas knew he was right.

“Right,” Aqua said bitterly, stepping further into the room. Terra entered as well, surrounding him. His throat closed up, starting to feel just a little bit trapped. The Flood at his side nosed his skin, trying to hide away further. “Well. Did you—enjoy your time with Naminé?”

“It wasn’t awful,” Vanitas said. That was… that was honestly an understatement. No one had to know how much he had actually liked going around with her. For the first time in a very, very,  _ very _ long time, it felt like… someone was on  _ his _ side. Even if she was annoying about it. 

Aqua rolled her eyes, coming even further around him so she and Terra could look down on him like they were so much better. The Unversed cried out nervously in his head as it tried in vain to not be found out, so Vanitas put his hand on its head forcefully and squashed it into the flooring, killing it. The darkness soaked into his hand with a shudder on his part, but the Wayfinders didn’t notice. “Well, good, I guess. We just wanted to ask if you wanted to come to supper. You’ve still got a few hours, but…”

Well, he still wasn’t hungry, and the pain of reabsorbing so many Unversed was putting his stomach in knots. Food sounded like a very bad idea, right then. “No.”

Aqua and Terra shared a look silently. Terra was the one to speak up. “You sure? Ienzo said you hadn’t eaten in a while.”

Oh, even  _ they _ got access to the results of his tests? If Vanitas hadn’t been with Naminé, even  _ he _ wouldn’t have known. He was just… starving, and even he didn’t know why. 

It wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen to him, not by a long shot. 

“I’m sure.”

“...Okay. Well, before supper we’ll come and make sure that’s still the case, okay? And it’s fine if you  _ do _ want to eat. We might not like you, but we won’t let you die.”

_ Why not? _ Vanitas didn’t ask, even though the question was on the tip of his tongue. His existence was only pain and hurt, he’d really be better off dead. But the goody two shoes Lights didn’t understand that, forcing life into him when life was far, far worse than being warmly locked away in Ventus’ heart. Especially when he was locked up either way.

“Yeah, well, I don’t. So just drop it.”

Aqua sighed loudly, turning back to Terra. “Fine, subject dropped. Just… stay here. We’ll be back in a few hours.”

“Haven’t really got a choice.” 

Terra muttered something to Aqua that Vanitas couldn’t hear, then left. 

Aqua hummed tiredly, headed towards the door. “Right. Well. See you soon.” The two of them left and closed the door, and it locked right after.

* * *

When Naminé had said bright and early, she really did mean bright and  _ early _ . He didn’t have a clock in his room and his internal clock was all sorts of fucked, but the sun wasn’t peeking through his window and the sky was still dark. A Monotrucker startled him awake from his place against the wall when someone knocked on his door. Her voice cut through the din of the Unversed around him. 

“Vanitas?! Are you awake?!”

His eyes cracked open. A Flood had made a nest on his neck again, so he nudged it out of the way and sat back. The Unversed crawled to the ground and stretched its rear into the air. 

“Vaniiiiiitas,” Naminé called again, unlatching the lock. “I hope you’re decent because I’m coming in now!”

Vanitas quickly squashed the Flood at his side and recalled the Unversed, just before the door opened. Naminé poked her head in and looked around for a second, confused, then spotted him alone out of the corner of her eye. “Good morning, Vanitas.”

“What in the fuck time is it?” Vanitas demanded, lowering his knees to the ground so he could stretch properly and stand. 

“I dunno. Early as hell. Sleep well? Why weren’t you in your bed?”

The Unversed took it over—at least, some of them had in the night. He didn’t like the bed, anyway. “Whatever. Why are you here?”

“Breakfast!” Naminé chirped. A huge smile drifted over her face. “Almost no one else will be awake! I think maybe Riku, because I guess he’s taken to meditations in the mornings, and Xion’s an early riser. I figured that, if there were less people, you’d be a little more comfortable. And maybe you’d, you know, eat. You didn’t come to supper last night again.”

That was… surprisingly kind of her. Weirdly, almost uncomfortably kind. 

“You’re worrying me,” Naminé went on. “I know you said you weren’t feeling hungry, but I still think you should eat. It’s good for you.”

He didn’t say how much his stomach knotted even at the thought of food. He figured his Unversed were probably a part of that, and where they came from. 

She didn’t seem to realize that he was ignoring his own words. “So, let’s go! Get dressed—have you even changed in three days, Vanitas? What the hell. Do you even have clothes?”

The blank look he gave must have told her plenty. She grimaced. 

“Gross. Well then maybe I’ll take you out into the town and we can get you some stuff. Later, though. Come on!” Naminé seized his hand and dragged him up and out of his room, with no consideration for his own desires.

* * *

Aqua was very firm in saying that Vanitas wasn’t allowed out of the castle for days. He was nearly a week old when Naminé finally dragged him out, chattering, accompanied by the two other Nobodies. Apparently they, too, still had clothing to pick up. As in, the only way that Naminé and Vanitas would be allowed out, was if they were followed by someone with a weapon. 

Naminé had been adamant about breakfast and supper. At six o’clock sharp every morning, she was awake and at his door. One day in there she had even dished him up a plate, when he really wasn’t feeling like cooperating. Then she sat there and ate with him, occasionally striking up conversation but for the most part, just sitting at his side. She carried a little sketchbook around with her always, as well as a little purse out of which she pulled colored pencils and crayons. When she wasn’t goading him to talk, she was drawing. 

She wasn’t… a very good artist. But it kept her busy and made her happy, so Vanitas thought that maybe that was okay. 

...Which was a weird thought to have, about someone he didn’t particularly care about. He filed that away for another day. 

Naminé and Ventus’ carbon copy were leading them along, chatting animatedly. Vanitas was pretty sure they didn’t even know where they were going. Probably were letting their hearts lead them to the right place, or whatever bullshit the Lights tried to spew. 

The Replica, their thirteenth, hung back by him. Vanitas could only assume that she was ensuring he wouldn’t run off on them. Her hands were shoved into pockets on her coat, and her head was lifted to the sky, like she was watching the sun and feeling the warmth on her face. If she was trying to make sure he stayed in place, she was doing a really foul job of it. Lucky her, he just didn’t have the energy to run. 

“You know,” she suddenly said, slowing down just a fraction so he had little choice but to catch up with her. “I feel like I should thank you.”

“ _ Thank _ me?” Vanitas demanded, furrowing black brows. “I’ve never even talked to you.”

“I know, I know,” Xion said. She glanced at him and gave a smile, taking one hand out of her pocket. “I’m thanking you for her.” She pointed forward to the two blonds. Specifically, to Naminé. 

“How do you mean.”

“Naminé is… important to me. To both of us. For different reasons, and the same. But after… after everything, the three of us, me, Roxas, and Axel, had to just… be together. We didn’t try to shut her out, and I know she spent time with Sora and them, and even Ven and them, but I don’t think it’s the same. She was lonely. And then you were born.”

He… didn’t know what to say about that. Nothing good ever came from his birth.

“I don’t even know that she meant to make friends with you, but she did. And it’s helped her be happier, a lot. She talks about you all the time. She actually likes worrying about you. She’s a worrier by nature, you know. Me and Roxas, too. I think it came from Sora or Kairi. But it makes her feel like she’s here for a reason, and not just taking up space. She likes it. She likes  _ you _ . A lot.”

“Wh—but, that doesn’t make sense.” Why would she…? He’d never done anything to make her  _ like _ him. 

“You don’t think it’s weird that she tries to spend time with you  _ every day _ ?”

“I think it’s  _ very _ weird that she tries to spend time with me every day,” Vanitas said honestly. “I think she does a lot of weird things.”

“Yeah, well…” Xion agreed, tossing fond eyes at Naminé. “She’s been silenced for a long time. I just. I think it’s good for her to have made friends with you. Even if you don’t really know how to be friends with her.”

“... _ Friends _ ?” He’d… never had a friend before. The closest he had were his Unversed and, well… they were actual pieces of him. He was pretty sure that you couldn’t be friends with yourself. 

“Never had one, have you? They’re pretty cool to have. A little overwhelming, sometimes, but overall cool.” Xion smiled wistfully at the blonds, who had turned a corner and were pausing to wait. 

Vanitas didn’t have an answer to that. 

“Just… just do me a favor and try.”

“I don’t owe you any favors.”

Xion frowned on one side, glancing back toward him. She came to a hard stop and moved right in front of him to make him pause. “You don’t have to, but at this point I think you owe Naminé plenty. Just  _ try _ to be friends with her. Don’t be a  _ total _ ass. I know you’re not… you’re not as big an ass as Ven says you are, because otherwise I don’t think Nami would still be friends with you, but you have to prove it. Okay?”

“Are you guys  _ coming _ , or—?” Naminé said up ahead, waving a hand. “Look at this cute little shop!” 

“We’re coming!” Xion called. To Vanitas, she simply said, “just  _ try _ . Now, c’mon, before they get annoyed. She’s got an eye for color, she’ll find outfits that fit you  _ perfectly _ .”

* * *

After a late supper, Naminé and Vanitas walked quietly back to his room. Vanitas had that thing that Xion had said on his mind, and Naminé seemed to get that he was thinking too hard to be mindlessly chatted at. She hadn’t talked to him at supper, but Ventus had joined them so late, sitting at the far end of the table, so Naminé tossed Vanitas plenty of smiles that Vanitas didn’t really see.

Xion had said that friend thing. That try thing. He… wasn’t a friend. He wasn’t a good person, he didn’t know how to be one, and he didn’t know how much he wanted to try to be one. Naminé had been trying hard to be his… companion for almost a week, for reasons that Vanitas didn’t understand. He didn’t get why she was trying so hard, and he didn’t get why it was so obvious that even Xion noticed it.

It was… bugging him. 

“Xion said something to me,” Vanitas suddenly said. He didn’t often speak first, and he rarely said much at all. 

“Yeah, I saw you guys talking for a little bit. Xion’s really nice, I think you’d like her. She’s the best. What’d she say?”

“Something about… friends. And you. Being one with me.”

“Well, yeah, I—“ Naminé paused in her step for a fraction of a second, then continued. “Unless you don’t think we are. Which I mean, is fine, I guess, I—“

“You’re not my friend.”

Naminé sighed, then stopped and turned to him. They were still a couple hallways from Vanitas’ room, but now he was feeling horribly exposed. “Maybe I’m not your friend, but  _ you _ are  _ mine _ .”

“... _ Why _ ? Don’t you know everything I did?” Vanitas, after all, wasn’t stupid. He’d done a lot of damage. Specifically, to Ventus and his friends, but it had resulted in a lot of trauma for everyone else. Vanitas himself included. 

“I have an idea. Ven, Aqua, and Terra told me plenty. Do  _ you _ know everything  _ I _ did?”

“...You?” There was no way this little girl, who colored with crayons, who woke up at five in the morning just so Vanitas could eat, who dressed in all white consistently like the perfect little guardian of Light, had done anything close to what he did wrong.

“Yeah. Me. Let’s see… I got Sora trapped in this huge awful castle. While he was there, I stripped away his memories of one of his best friends, made him doubt himself. Then I replaced her with memories that never happened, of me. I manipulated someone else into thinking I was important to him, too, so that he and Sora would fight, and he would help work for the Organization. Then I put Sora to sleep for a year because even though it only took a handful of days to tear Sora’s memories asunder, it would take a year to fix them.”

Vanitas didn’t know how to respond to that. It sounded like stuff she had been manipulated into doing. Under someone’s control. Bad, sure, but…?

“Then,” Naminé went on. “In the year that Sora was asleep, his memories started returning to his Nobody and a replica, making them doubt their existences, and their duties, and worse, their friends. When Sora stagnated and his memories stopped improving, I made one feel like she had to kill herself. Then I helped put the other in a fake town, created fake memories for him, made him lose it all, and then feel like he had to kill himself, too. And then when it was time to pay for everything I’d done, I couldn’t even sit there and accept it.”

“I—that’s—“

Naminé smiled at him faintly, reaching a hand over to touch his arm. He flinched away before she could reach. “We’ve all done bad things, Vanitas. That doesn’t necessarily make us bad people. I think it’s what you do after them. At least, that’s what I’ve been told. How you try to fix it.” 

Vanitas opened his mouth a fraction like he had something to say, but in reality he had nothing. That was all fine and dandy, but— “I don’t know that I can.”

“I think you can try, then,” Naminé said very simply. “Apologize. Move forward.”

“What if I don’t want to? What if—if all I am is darkness? It won’t make a difference.”

Naminé was the one left speechless this time. She shifted her hips and her feet, glanced to the side, then said, “well… to make any kind of difference, you have to want to. So if you don’t, then I guess you shouldn’t. But don’t worry. You don’t have to apologize to me. So I’ll be here until you’re ready.” She offered him another soft smile, not reaching forward to touch him this time. “I promise.” 

Vanitas’ mouth dropped open, uncaring of who was here and who saw. He stared at her, eyes wide. “...You… can’t know that.” When not even the people who had been important to him, Ventus and Master Xehanort, had stuck around for him, why would this girl? What did she gain from it? It didn’t make any sense. 

“No, but I’ll do my best to. And when you’re ready, I’ll be right by your side, okay?” Her smile turned bright, and Vanitas felt a corner of his black heart grow warm. 

Naminé talked about this other friend of hers a lot. Vanitas was almost certain that he wasn’t alive, because he’d never seen him before, even though all the Lights were gathered in this place. He was apparently a replica of Riku, of some kind, from way back when the Replica Program was first realized. He had been faulty back then, and hadn’t lasted for very long, but apparently he had made a very good impression on Naminé, and on the new Master. 

She mentioned, near constantly, that she thought this Replica would get along with him ‘ _ splendidly _ ’. He wasn’t sure how she expected  _ that  _ would happen, but the idea made her very happy, so he decided not to question it. It made her visits and conversations… easier to get through. 

She took him to see him once. Vanitas didn’t really know what he was looking at, a body floating in fluid, not even a face on it. 

“He hasn’t been introduced, yet,” Naminé explained. “Since Roxas and Xion still get kinda… kinda sore when they move too much, they’re taking extra care with it and making sure that it’s ready before they introduce him. Riku’s gonna go under in about a week I think, and then they’ll let him rest for a bit. Just like they did with you!” Her smile was so bright it hurt. 

“Me?”

“Yep! I saw you, just like that. Kinda weird, huh?”

He looked up at the bare body, without even a single mark or indication that it was… anything, really. This was to be Naminé’s friend. 

Not too long ago, that had been  _ him _ . 

Vanitas felt heat creep up his neck, his face and ears going ashy. There was something very creepy, and more than that,  _ vulnerable _ , about knowing that he had been so exposed. Like, like… like somehow, it showed off all his weak spots. 

“Vanitas? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Vanitas snapped, lifting a hand to cover his face. 

“You’re looking sick; what is it? Are you feeling okay? Even said that you could catch something with all the immunizations. Do you want to go? I can come back and see him later if you’re ill.”

“I’m  _ fine _ !” Vanitas snapped, turning sharp red eyes on her. Seconds later, he lurched as the feeling of sticky tar hurtled into his throat. An Unversed was well on its way to birth.

And it would be found and killed.

Naminé moved to look at his face, a nervous hand extended toward him, but not touching. Vanitas lowered his hand over his mouth as the Unversed pushed to get free. Naminé’s soft voice said, “you really don’t look well, here, I can grab Even—“

“I  _ want to be alone _ !” Vanitas snapped, belching flecks of tar onto his hands and honestly astounded it wasn’t more. 

“Oh—okay. Okay, I’ll just—come back later then. Let’s go, let’s go. Bathroom?”

“My room.”

Naminé hummed, voice a fraction downtrodden, then either noticed the urgency on his face or read it herself. She led him on with quick feet. 

His room was in sight but it felt like it took too long. The Yellow Mustard was practically out of his mouth when Naminé held the door open for him and he rushed in. He grabbed the handle and slammed it shut behind him, then fell to his knees and birthed it. 

The proof of his own mortification sat in a puddle for several seconds, before it took shape and color and started squeaking at him, asking why his heart was so fast and what was wrong. He didn’t answer, the salty, morbid taste still thick in his throat and the back of his mouth. 

“Vanitas? Vanitas, I brought a mop and bucket, so you can clean up, okay? I’m sorry you weren’t feeling well; you should have told me. We could have stayed put today. Can I come in? I want to make sure you’re okay,” Naminé called through the door, sounding down but nervous. 

“No!” The Yellow Mustard was staring at him. His head already hurt and he didn’t want to put up with pain he could just avoid. Either he would have to kill it, or Naminé would see it and have to kill it. 

He wanted to be alone.

“I—okay. Do you still want to come out for supper?”

“Go  _ away _ .”

There was a long pause, and then Naminé quietly said, “I’ll bring you water, later, and you can decide then. Okay? I’m sorry I didn’t notice.” Then there were quiet, timid footsteps, and she was gone. 

He coughed hard, throwing up flecks of tar that became nothing. The Yellow Mustard chirped and crooned at him and pressed in close, and he didn’t have the energy to shoo it off. 

He felt awful. Absolutely  _ awful _ . In head, in body, and in soul. He felt… wrong. 

He was so sick of this. This sickness, this constant pain. The way he couldn’t feel anything without birthing a monster that would result in his indirect death. 

He was supposed to be dead. Why didn’t anyone get that? He was only going to piss off more and more people. He was only going to  _ hurt _ more and more people. 

If only he was sick. Really, truly sick. Maybe everyone would avoid him, especially Naminé. Maybe he’d lock himself in and never come out. Maybe the disease would kill him. 

“ _ Master?” _

Vanitas slumped to the ground, knees and arms going weak. He rested his forehead there, specks of useless tar pressing against his face. It didn’t matter what he hoped. His pain was chronic, but not fatal. His disease was who he was, but not lethal. It was just the way things were. There was no hope for death, and no hope for salvation. Why they brought him back was beyond him, but they did, and he was the one to suffer for it. 

The Yellow Mustard sunk to the ground and moved into the little space between his face and arm. He’d made his peace with them so long ago, and they no longer attacked him even in his weakest of moments. Maybe that would change if he ordered it. “ _ It’s alright, Master. We’re here with you. _ ” 

He wished that they understood he didn’t  _ want _ them to be.

* * *

Naminé returned with a glass of water and a bag of orange veggies, saying that she understood if he didn’t want to join them, but he should still eat. The Yellow Mustard hid beneath the bed, watching them but not revealing itself at Vanitas’ command. 

“You look better,” she said as she passed him the vegetables. 

He didn't tell her that all it took was throwing up the Unversed, because she didn’t know a thing about them. It was fine to stay that way. 

“Healthier. And look! It looks like you’re putting on weight, too. You just needed some time and good food.” She gave him a nervous smile. “So, did you, um… want to come to supper? Maybe even a little later? I could keep you company.”

Gods no, he didn’t want to leave this room. 

But… Xion had said he owed Naminé. And he did. If only for being the only idiot stupid enough to give him a chance… he owed her for it. It wasn’t fair to make her think things were…  _ wrong _ . 

He shook his head, then mumbled, “Naminé, I wanted to say—“

“I’m sorry,” Naminé interrupted, looking long into his eyes. He pressed back against the wall when she leaned closer. “I think I’ve been… wanting you to be one way, to make friends and be social, without thinking of what you wanted. If you… wanted to stay here forever, I should let you. Shouldn’t I? Aqua would be happier.” She winced, holding a hand over her lap. “It isn’t fair of me to expect something out of you like that. It isn’t your fault that I never made real friends. I can’t expect you to be what they all have.”

Vanitas’ sudden apology died on his tongue, staring at her. She— _ what _ ? What  _ they all have _ …?

He of course knew that the Lights each had their tight circle of friends, their threes and fours of the closest people someone could know. You didn’t get forcibly attached to groups of them without knowing. And he got the impression that Naminé was… trying to put him in her tight circle. 

_ “He’s my best friend!” _ Little Sora had said of Riku, once upon a time. The circumstances were different, but Naminé… wanted that of him. For reasons he didn’t understand. But she didn’t  _ expect  _ it, he knew that much. She was willing to take what he was willing to give. 

He’d… never had a friend before. Definitely not a best friend. The closest he had was… well, Ventus and the Unversed. Pieces of himself. 

“I’m sorry…” Naminé trailed off, looking away. She looked sad, and Vanitas’ heart knotted in five different places so suddenly, he didn’t know what to do with it. It was a pain, but a different kind of pain. It wasn’t one that pushed forth an Unversed, or that made him want to wallow in misery. 

He wanted to fix it. And not for him. 

“Don’t be stupid,” Vanitas said to his lap, once again wishing a Flood there to hold. “You’re not making me do anything. The only thing you have is… well…” He would have died if she hadn’t. Something at the back of his mind said that he wished she never helped him, but he pushed that away for now. “Saving my life. So… thanks, I guess.” He took a breath, lowering his fists to the floor by his feet. “And thanks for giving me a chance.” No one else had. No one else  _ would _ . “Sorry I was a dick earlier. I just really… wasn’t feeling well.” Didn’t want to show her what he did that made him a freak  and would scare her away.

Naminé turned wide blue eyes on him, staring like he grew a second head. After a moment, she lowered her head to her lap… and burst into tears. 

“ _ Wha— _ wh-what happened, what did I do?” Panic started building in his heart that he quickly bottled up, for fear of scaring her off. He was no good with other emotions, what set her off, why was she—

“Sorry,” Naminé said through her sniffles. When she looked up at him, a huge smile was drawn over her face. Not at all what he was expecting. “Sorry, I’m sorry. I’m okay, I just—I thought you were still mad at me, and… I’m happy you’re not.”

“So you start crying?!”

Naminé nodded, wiping her eyes on her wrist. “Yeah. Haven’t you ever been so happy you started crying?”

Of course he hadn’t. But he… he was the one to  _ make  _ her happy? 

A warmth filled his chest, and suddenly it was infinitely easier to bottle old panic. Like the warmth chased the panic away. “I’ve… never really been happy.”

Naminé blinked damp eyes at him. She offered him a very soft smile, resting her hand beside his. “Well, we’ll have to fix that then, won’t we?”

He didn’t know how he was supposed to respond to that. So he didn’t say anything. 

After a second, Naminé leaned forward and said, “Vanitas? Can I hug you?”

Hug? A  _ hug _ ? He’d never been hugged, he didn’t know how. He didn’t… want her doing that. He couldn’t explain why, but he didn’t want her hugging him. Slowly, nervously, he shook his head.

Naminé frowned a little, but not like she was angry. She looked down to their hands, perfectly positioned next to one another. Wiggled her fingers a little. Then, softly, she asked, “well… can I hold your hand?”

Vanitas thought that through in his head, trying to determine how that could go wrong. He owed her  _ something _ , and just a little handhold, a  _ grab _ …? He wasn’t thinking of anything he could associate it with, and she had offered… it wouldn’t be the worst, he supposed. “...Sure.”

She smiled and moved her hand slowly across his, linking their fingers. Vanitas didn’t like that he couldn’t immediately pull away easily, but before he could say anything, she must have sensed it. She carefully turned his hand over and grabbed it so their palms touched. She pressed her hand into the ground. That… felt so much better, honestly. 

Her hand was so soft. So  _ Warm _ . It was thin, like she could stand to put on a few pounds, too, but there was strength there. Some silent strength, but it was there all the same. 

Oh. Oh, he liked this. It said… support. It said she was here for him, without getting too close. He liked this handholding thing a lot. 

She squeezed his hand, and he looked her way, eyes meeting. “Vanitas…” she said slowly, nervously. Like she was going to ask something, and was afraid of the answer. She took a breath. “Vanitas, will you be my friend?”

“...I thought I already was.”

“Well, yeah! You’re… you’re  _ my  _ friend, but… I just wanted it to be okay with you.”

She was asking, without actually asking, if she could be his friend. Which was apparently different. 

...How could he say no? “...Sure, Naminé. We can be friends.”

Her smile grew exponentially, and she squeezed his hand, but she got no closer.

The Yellow Mustard beneath the bed, still watching, said,  _ “good for Master _ ”, and somehow, the warmth in Vanitas’ chest returned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I lied. The fic is not done. But it's uhhhhhhh getting there probably.  
> Who knows really.

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact! I posted this for motivation, and will not be posting again until the fic is done! I'm on chapter 7 of 9 right now tho! so hopefully not much longer! Maybe Christmas!  
> So please! Let me know how it's going!!   
> Also, there are going to be some heavy topics in this fic. I'm trying to be respectful and realistic with them, but I struggle with social anxiety, not depression or suicidal thoughts, and I apologize if anything is disrespectful. Just know................. the boy is going to struggle. we love him so much


End file.
